Today was a good day. Traffic in the store was light. I was busy without being overwhelmed and even got to do something new. I ordered retail supplies. My day consisted of talking to customers and coworkers. A couple of conversations stand out.
Crystal has a way of asking questions she doesn’t need to know the answer to. “What are you doing?” “What is that you’re working on?” She pointed to something I was checking for quality and asked me what it was. I told her. She looked at another order and asked what is that. I responded “okay nosy Susan”. She took a metal hook she was holding and playfully stabbed it at me. “Are you stabbing me?” “No I’m hooking you.” That last line stuck with me for awhile and it morphed in my head. It morphed into I’m trying to hook you into a relationship. Now I’m aware she did not mean it that way but the impact on my mood was the same as if she had. When my mind misinterprets something I am sometimes aware but it still has the same emotional impact as if it were true. Thoughts are powerful things. “No I’m hooking you.” Put me into a good mood.
Close to the end of the day a woman called for directions. I gave her my normal spiel. We’re just west of 26 on 203 by the Panera Bread and Hastings. We discussed where she was and went back and forth. She said, “So I go under the freeway.” I replied, “If you’re on the east side you go under the freeway but not if you’re on the west side.” My tone must not have been what I try to live up to because she responded, “Okay smart ass I realize that. Can I speak to someone familiar with the area?” I responded as if her comment was playful banter but she had animosity behind her statement. I put her on hold and found out where Cleveland (not the city) was located in relation to us and got back on the line to tell her how to get to the store.
Conflicts like this stick with me. Twenty minutes later I was still annoyed. I’m a sensitive person. Under the right internal frame of mind sensitivity yields higher social skills but under the wrong frame of mind it yields higher amounts of pain and timidity. I usually find myself under the wrong frame of mind. However my sensitivity is a dormant strength I would like to see blossom.
After I stopped for dinner I was driving through a parking lot and a child yelled aggressively out the window of a car that passed by. My mind twisted this event into the thought that I’m being yelled at for something I’ve done wrong. This is common. Things in my environment take on new meanings and place me in the center of events that have nothing to do with me.
For several months now coughing has taken on a new dimension. Every time I hear a cough it is a signal that I’ve done something wrong. People cough a lot. I’m frequently being told I’m doing things wrong.
Thursday, Febuary 13, 2014
This entry describes pretty closely to what I'm still experiencing. With one sharp contrast. Today the volume on these experiences have been turned way down. I'm still sensitive to conflict. I'm still annoyed 20 minutes after a mild altercation. I still get a sensation that I've done something wrong when people cough, and I still dual-interpret things people say. The impact these things have on me is just much less. It's the difference between a rock concert where you can't help but listen and a low humming of a refrigerator where most of the time you don't even notice it.